I hated this film. Here are 36 reasons why:

***UPDATE 9 MARCH 2016: Just read this, wherein JJ Abrams attempts to explain the reason for No. 35 below (ie, Leia completely ignoring Chewbacca at the end).  It is an interesting article, because I think his muddled excuses demonstrate perfectly why the film as a whole is so terrible and lacks even the most basic of internal logic: he simply does not seem on top of his subject matter, to put it mildly.***

(OBVIOUSLY MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD - SO IF YOU AIN'T SEEN IT AND WANT TO, PROBABLY BEST NOT READ ANY FURTHER!)

The Star Map to Luke...or the Star Forge...or something.

1.  It is painfully unoriginal - it's essentially a remake of Episode 4, with bits of Episodes 5 & 6 thrown in for good measure.  (Ice planet?  Check.  Forest planet?  Check.  Desert planet?  Check.  Death Star?  Check.)  I'm all for nostalgia as much as the next person, but this was ridiculous.  Even the McGuffin, the star maps, is a rip-off of the video game Knights of the Old Republic.

2.  The pacing is terrible.  It is action, action, action, dialled down every so often for bits of exposition/drama.  The result is a mess, which makes the drama feel shoehorned in, and has the ultimate effect of rendering what is supposed to be the most dramatic bit of all – Han’s death – completely insipid and devoid of any emotional punch.  It seems incredible that the makers, who have otherwise copied Episode 4, have neglected to copy 4’s pacing, which is pretty much flawless.

3.  The dialogue between Kylo Ren and Max Von Sydow at the start literally makes no sense.  I'm not joking - it's as if they are having two entirely different conversations.

4.  The TIE fighter Poe and Finn escape in bothered me.  Firstly, since when did TIE fighters have rear gunners, and with the pilot unable to shoot?  Could the writers not have come up with a better way of getting the guys off the ship than inventing out of thin air a completely impractical vehicle that cannot possibly work?  It's so rubbish that it is ditched five minutes later when traditional, single-seat TIE fighters turn up to chase the Millennium Falcon.  Here is a more realistic way of getting them off the ship: Finn springs Poe, but dresses him up as a storm trooper and they hitch a ride down to the planet with the troops sent down to get BB-8, and they promptly give the rest of them the slip.

5.  When they are making their escape, Poe gives Finn an exact description of BB-8, together with the fact that it has the map to Luke.  Let me get this straight: one of the top guys in the Resistance is selling the ranch to a storm trooper whom he has just met?  Would he not have been even slightly suspicious that this guy could be a plant in order that he, Poe, would lead them to BB-8?  Compare Poe's naivety here with Leia's suspicion in Episode 4 that their escape from the Death Star is a setup and that they are being tracked by the Empire.  I think this small point goes to the heart of why Episode 4 is so good and TFA is so rubbish: Episode 4's characters act their age; in TFA, pretty much all the characters act as if they have got the mental capacity and experience of twelve-year-olds - more of which below!

6.  Rey.  I realise that there will be some bogus explanation crowbarred into Episode 8 as to why she's brilliant at everything, but that simply is not good enough in terms of this film as a standalone piece of work.  The complete absence of explanation about her (as well as all the other stuff like Snoke, the First Order, the Resistance, the Republic etc), makes this an empty vessel of a film.  Moreover, whatever explanation they do eventually come up with will not be able to plausibly explain why her character contradicts everything we've been told about Jedi and the Force up until this point - ie, that those strong in the Force need many years of training to be any good with it (see Anakin in Episode 2, who's still pretty useless despite a decade of intensive training); and yet Rey, who can only have had two or three years' training AS A TODDLER, is suddenly the most powerful Jedi we've come across in the entire series - I mean, she doesn't even have to use her hands when using the Jedi Mind Trick, which Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Luke all had to do!  And how on earth does she know the exact technical layout of the Millennium Falcon, and can pilot it and fix it better than Han Solo?  And how can she understand BB-8?  And Chewie, when it seems unlikely that she has ever seen a Wookie in her life?  She’s an absurd character.  This is made all the more frustrating because everywhere you look in the Star Wars universe there are really awesome female characters – think Leia in the originals, Bastilla in KOTOR, and Kreia, Handmaiden and Visas Marr in KOTOR 2 – all of whom can kick ass, but have rich, nuanced, and believable personalities.  Even Padme has more depth than Rey, who's basically a cardboard cutout.

Rey, looking rough after a hard day's stealing/scavenging.

7.  Rey is supposed to have been leading a solitary, subsistence-level existence for at least a decade.  She has no running water, no sanitation, no access to healthcare.  Yet her teeth, her complexion, and her diction are perfect.  Indeed, she looks like she’s just stepped out of Cosmopolitan.  Even her rags are pristine.  Plus, she doesn’t get so much as a speck of dirt on her for the entire film.  They could have easily fixed some of this by giving her a scar or dulling her teeth or something.  But I suppose that would have sullied the Disney Princess, which would have been unthinkable as it would have shifted fewer Rey dolls.

8.  Rey STEALS BB-8 from a fellow scavenger.  Also, given that the dude is obviously physically weaker than she is, she is a bully.  Then, she proceeds to STEAL the Millennium Falcon.  So, although the makers have evidently tried to set up Rey as a good-hearted Luke Skywalker-type, they have failed this spectacularly by making her first actions wrong on a basic moral level.  She is, indeed, a Mary Sue, but a rotten-hearted one.  Were the writers so stupid that they did not see this?  Did not see that they were setting up Rey as a thief and a bully?  Incidentally, if she is immoral enough to steal BB-8 in the first place, why would she suddenly become moral enough not to sell BB-8 for food that could feed her for, like, 240 days?  It makes no sense whatsoever.  But, hey, EXPLOSIONS AND STUFF!

9.  Kylo Ren instructs Hux to get BB-8 intact so that he can retrieve the map.  But what is the first thing the storm troopers do when they spot BB-8 on Jakku?  That’s right – they call in an air strike, almost blowing BB-8 and Finn and Rey to smithereens!  And why would Kylo Ren go down to the planet to try to get the map at the start of the film, but not go down again when he knows BB-8's got it?  If this was so important to him he wouldn't entrust it to the storm troopers - who, you know, might try to have BB-8 and the kids annihilated.

Ren: WE NEED THE DROID!  Stormtrooper minion: Nah, let's try to blow it up instead, for fun or whatever.

10.  When the kids are (preposterously) escaping in the Millennium Falcon, Finn shouts to Rey something like, ‘Go low so that you can throw off the TIE fighters’ tracking’.  Rey goes low…and it doesn’t make any difference!  This sequence is completely moronic.

Rey going low!  That'll shake those pesky TIE fighters!  Or not.

11.  There is a character in this film called ‘Han Solo’.  However, he is not the same character as the Han Solo who appeared in the originals.  In TFA, ‘Han Solo’ is under Leia's thumb; is made to look a chump by Rey; and acts all camp when Maz shouts across to him in the cantina.  The original Han Solo would not have allowed any of this happen to him.  Additionally, like an idiot he does everything he can to broadcast the fact that he has BB-8; and not only has he never used Chewie’s bowcaster, he doesn’t seem to have any idea of its destructive power, despite having hung out with him for forty years.  Worst of all, he has basically stolen 100 grand from the two gangs that come looking for him.  Han Solo was a smuggler, a rogue, but NEVER a common thief, which is what this ‘Han Solo’ has been reduced to.  I think this was part of the reason why I didn’t care when he was killed – he has turned into a dirty welcher.

12.  When Finn and Rey are apparently climbing out of their hiding place on the Falcon, it looks as if they are simply bending down in front of the camera and popping up when signalled to do so, presumably by JJ.  This looks as amateurish as anything, and is unacceptable for a film costing tens of millions of bucks.

13.  ‘Han Solo’ explains to Rey and Finn that the Millennium Falcon can be tracked by the First Order and that they therefore have to get BB-8 onto a ‘clean ship’.  Why, then, does Han proceed to fly the Falcon to the hidden Resistance base?  And why does Rey and Chewie then fly the Falcon straight to where Luke is hiding out, thus presumably painting a big target on his back – something the Resistance, by trying to keep the map out of the First Order’s hands, had spent the entire film trying to avoid?

14.  Luke’s lightsaber, last seen falling miles attached to his severed arm.  Eh?

15.  How can the destruction of the Republic planets be instantaneously seen from Maz’s planet?  Given that it is another star system, the speed of light would dictate that it should take several years for the explosion and the shot to be visible.  Also, it would not be visible in broad daylight.  This was taking the audience for idiots.

Don't worry, Maz - I'll be there in a few minutes!

16.  Ren is standing on the bridge of his ship watching as Death Star III fires on the Republic.  Five minutes later he is on Maz's planet.  This completely trashes the physics established in the previous films, where it is made pretty clear that going from star system to star system takes a significantly longer time.  Again, this was taking the audience for fools.

17.  Finn is doing a runner because the First Order is out to get him.  But then he suddenly changes his mind once he realises that the FO has destroyed the Republic.  Em, wouldn’t that have made him MORE scared; MORE motivated to take off?  Zero logic.

18.  Rey also acts out of character.  We know that - other than being a thief and a bully - Rey is tough and has a logical, inquiring mind.  However, she completely abandons these traits when she runs off from Maz’s after getting those visions from touching Luke’s lightsaber.  The character that has been built up until that point would have hung around and sought answers.  Also, similar to Finn, she has a complete change of heart when the First Order shows up, choosing to go back and fight it out; when, if she was being in any way consistent, she would have run even faster in the opposite direction.

19.  Of all the stupid things in the film, this must be the stupidest: when digging out Luke's lightsaber for Han and Finn, Maz says she has 'kept it locked away'.  Em...no you haven't Maz!  The box it was in was UNLOCKED; the door to the room it was in was UNLOCKED - as both you and Rey have just demonstrated.

20.  The bad guys are a big problem.  In Episode 4, Vader and Tarkin are sinister because there is strategy, purpose, behind everything that they do – their ultimate goal is to crush all resistance and wield power over everyone else.  Even their destruction of Alderaan has a clear, cold logic behind it.  Fast forward to TFA, and Ren and Hux are basically a couple of psychopaths intent on murdering everyone.  This strips them of any menace and makes them appear like buffoons.

21.  Ren and Hux aren’t helped by Supreme Leader Snoke, who doesn’t provide much in the way of leadership. Most of the stuff that he comes out with is simply not very helpful, and it is Hux, not Snoke, who comes up with the idea of destroying the Republic planets.

22.  ‘Snoke’.  What sort of name is that? Lame.

Look how SCARY I am!

23.  The CGI rendering of Snoke isn’t very threatening.  He looks like a bit of Play-Doh. It would have been far more realistic and sinister if they had used Andy Serkis’s actual head (see his turn in the flesh in ‘Inkheart’, which is great. But they’ve gone down the CG path, and there is nothing that can now be done to fix this character (unless they do a Wizard of Oz-style reveal)). Compare and contract this CGI abomination with Ian McDiarmid's creepy, creepy turn as Palpatine.

24.  Snoke has sent Kylo Ren off to do his dirty work without fully training him.  Again, not exactly stellar leadership.

25.  No one in the Resistance appears to be in the slightest bit bothered that the Republic planets have been wiped out.  Didn't any of them have any friends or relatives there?  This heartlessness is exemplified when Leia first shows up - instead of displaying any signs of grief or saying something like, 'I can't believe what's happened to the Republic!  I knew some people there.  And we're in deep trouble now!', she engages in what I think is supposed to be funny dialogue with Han about her hair and his jacket.

26.  Like Han, Leia isn’t the same character as in the original trilogy.  In the OT, Leia was smart, independent, tough, and, above all, streetwise.  Leia from the OT would have known that Kylo Ren was too far gone, and would have known that it was her duty to stop and, if necessary, kill him.  As it is, the Leia we get here – who knows that Ren has killed all Luke’s students, and has presumably been told by Poe that he has murdered Max Von Sydow and ordered the slaughter of all those innocent villagers – by believing that Ren can still be saved has abandoned all of those qualities.  Her thoroughly illogical belief in Ren is made all the worse because she uses it to send Han to his death.  Regardless of her feelings towards her son, the original Leia would simply not have given Han such a stupid and irresponsible request - in ROTJ, for example, she tells Luke to run away rather than confront their father.  If only she had been consistent and given similar advice to Han, he might not have ended up getting run through with a lightsaber.  Like Han, Leia seems to have lost a few dozen IQ points in the intervening years.  Another thing: the Resistance folks must know that Leia is emotionally compromised.  Why, then, is she still in charge?

27.  Luke's character is also trashed.  The character in the original three films was brave and heroic and would never fail to do his duty, no matter how bad things got.  In TFA, completely out of character, when the chips have been down he’s just upped sticks and hid away like a pussy.  As with Rey, I’m sure there will be some ludicrous explanation in Episode 8 as to why he’s done this.  But as things stand it simply makes no sense - especially when the First Order has been going around blowing up planets and stuff.  (Obi-Wan and Yoda hiding out in the OT does make sense, because there is a long-term strategy behind what they are doing, not cowardice, which currently appears to be the motivation for Luke.)

28.  C3P0 explains to BB-8 that R2 has powered down since Luke left.  Given that BB-8, you know, hangs about in the Resistance base, wouldn’t that have been explained to it, like, ages ago?  No internal logic.  C3P0 should have explained it to Finn, who obviously has never been there before.  

29.  On the subject of R2, the fact that he just happens to miraculously wake up at the end, and just happens to have the rest of the map, was a really feeble plot device.  A way they could have improved this could have been this: we know that the First Order has part of the map; but it is revealed when Han and the rest are doing the raid on the Death Star that the FO have it because they have R2, who has been abducted by the FO and has been hooked up to a machine in the base.  Now, that would have been a cracking entrance for R2, who Han and the rest would spring, and who they could then use to turn off the shields (rather than the ridiculous manner in which they did it - more of which below!).  This would also have negated the need for C3P0's exposition above.

30.  Death Star Mark III.  Enough said.

31.  When the Death Star is powering up, why do Leia and the rest of her staff hang around waiting to be eliminated?  Shouldn’t they be evacuating, as per Hoth in 'Empire'?  Again, this just makes the Leia we get here seem like an idiot.  (When I spotted this, I thought this meant that there was a similar plot hole in Episode 4.  However, on reflection, in Episode 4 there is never any suggestion that there are any means of transport off of the moon other than the fighters – all of which are away attacking Death Star Mark I.  In TFA, it is explicit that Leia does have a ship, and therefore has a means of escape from the planet.)

32.  Captain Phasma lowers the shields without any resistance whatsoever.  How on earth can somebody so weak-willed have risen to be one of the top soldiers in the most brutal regime in the galaxy?  I gather that this character is coming back for the sequel.  Well, if there was any internal logic (which, as this list demonstrates in spades, there ain't), the appearance will be a very short one, as the First Order would execute her for treason within about five seconds.

33.  Poor old Captain Phasma probably thinks she's going to get off once she lowers the shields.  However, she doesn't reckon with the fact that our two 'heroes', Finn and a grinning ‘Han Solo’, are a couple of psychotic jerks, who conspire with undisguised relish to brutally murder her.

Don't do it, Kylo!  She's Wonder Woman!

34.  Kylo Ren – who is portrayed as being even stronger than Darth Vader in the first half of the film – gets injured by a janitor, then gets his ass handed to him by someone who has, apparently, never before held a lightsaber in anger.  No.  Just no.  And I couldn’t care if he’s injured – he was injured when he Force-pushed Rey against the tree – which, incidentally, should have broken every bone in her body.  Also, shouldn’t Kylo Ren’s chop of Finn have cut the latter in half?  I think the Ren character - rather like Snoke - is devalued beyond repair.  Problem is (and as with most of the stuff on this list!) the cinema-going public probably won't give a toss (although I see that the film hasn't performed as well in China as was expected, so perhaps the Chinese, at least, are wise to this garbage).

35.  ‘Han Solo’ has been killed.  Han’s lover/wife is there to greet the Millennium Falcon when it returns.  Instead of having an emotional reunion with Han’s and her great friend Chewbacca, with whom she's been through thick and thin (think that magnificent scene in 'Empire' when Han gets frozen), Leia completely ignores him and embraces a girl whom she has (apparently) never met before.  The sheer stupidity of this was jaw-dropping.

36.  Why is this waif who has just turned up sent to get Luke?  Wouldn’t Leia want to go get her brother personally?  Wouldn’t she think it would need her to persuade him to come back and join the fight?  Or, if she didn’t fancy tackling those stairs, wouldn’t she have sent Poe?  And why does Chewie stay with the ship?  Wouldn't he have wanted to go and see his old mate and maybe break the news of Han's death?  It's just ridiculous.

In conclusion, I don't think I have ever been so disappointed by a film.  I feel as if I have been ripped off by a shoddy piece of workmanship, and, as such, Disney is not going to get another cent from me for as long as I live.

Thanks for reading.